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Jan. 29th, 2008 @ 11:40 pm (no subject)
Just a note that any download/image links in previous entries aren't going to work now due to the cupofdirt.net hosting at Dreamhost being terminated.

I, personally, don't have any plans to get web hosting again for quite a while.

I should also post something at bad album art but I forgot my password and I've kind of given up on it currently (though I may bring it back at some point via a blogger account or something).
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Nov. 25th, 2007 @ 01:33 pm A dream chunk from a few nights ago
As far as I can tell, my dream involved my being in a foreign land, which looked somewhat like India given its inhabitants and architecture. I was there on a quest, and one of my destinations was to talk with a woman who was a Chinese Emperess, possibly a goddess, who was visiting the land in a special building built specifically to house those of her line.

When I was outside the building, there was a huge commotion. There was infighting amongst the commoners, split along political factions that had been a huge problem in the land. At this time, people from one of the factions had captured some of the other faction and were going to punish them by stoning.

I was pretty alarmed by this, and entered the Emperess's abode. It was set up inside like a Roman bathhouse, with a giant pool of heated water inside it. The heated water was where the Emperess spent most of her day, as it was rumored that the Emperesses of China were descended from a water god and that, as tradition, each emperess would birth their daughters in these heated pools.

She was resting in the pool, so I decided to enter the pool (with my clothes still on) and greeted her in the traditional way by bowing deeply, then explained the plight of the peoples outside. She knew I had come from a long way away, and knew that I was on a journey. She told me that I would be able to settle the political tensions and bring peace to the land but there were many things that I had to accomplish first. Her pet dog (which looked somewhat like a border collie) appeared in the water with her, and she told me to take the dog for a walk, and I would find answers as I did so.

I thanked her and I got out of the water to dry myself off with some towels. To try and get more dry, I took off my clothes. She stood nearby. Just then, many of the townsfolk entered the building and were shocked to find myself nude near the Emperess. They immediately suspected that I had done something quite untoward with the Emperess and were very angered. I tried to explain my case but they wouldn't hear of it. I wondered why the Emperess hadn't spoken up to defend me yet and unfortunately at this point I woke up.
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Aug. 17th, 2007 @ 01:31 pm One-sentence reviews of albums I own, in alphabetical order, part 6
Daft Punk - Homework
If this is the French's definition of homework, I could stand to use some studying. 8/10

Daft Punk - Discovery
Contains a bunch of songs that indie kids like to point to so they can say "SEE I HAVE BROAD TASTES LOOK AT THIS COOL ELECTRONIC MUSIC STUFF." 8/10

The dB's - Stands for deciBels
Contains the best nervous, twitchy jangle pop since that time someone snuck some amphetamines into Michael Stipe's dressing room. 9/10

The dB's - Repercussion
The repercussions of this sophomore slump being that while the album is still kinda good, it just makes the first one look way better in comparison. 7/10

The Dead Milkmen - Big Lizard in My Backyard
It's pretty juvenile at times and pretty damned snotty, but I really don't care because I am a firm believer in Swordfish. 9/10

The Dead Milkmen - Beelzebubba
Probably marks the only time in punk music history that someone decided to namedrop Minnie Pearl. 8/10

The Dead Milkmen - Now We Are 20
Documenting the band's earlier days when they were even brattier and snottier than they were on Big Lizard, and almost better for it. 8/10

The Decemberists - The Tain
Fans like to point out that the fact that Colin Meloy did a concept EP very loosely based on Irish mythology shows he's really literary and smart, while Irish literature scholars like to point out that he didn't even pronounce the damn EP's name right. 8/10

The Decemberists - Picaresque
Contains that song people claim is based on the melody of "Losing My Religion" and that other song that people claim is based on the melody of "Lust for Life" along with a bunch of other perfectly fine songs these people usually forget to mention. 9/10

Deerhoof - Apple O'
If you've ever wondered just how many syllables the word "hearts" can be stretched out to, just listen to the first track and wonder no more! 8/10

Deerhoof - Milk Man
A weird concept album with a creepy album cover and a bunch of songs that, even by Deerhoof's standards, are just kind of forgettable. 7/10

Deerhoof - The Runners Four
In the future, really pathetic scholars will point to this album as "that time Deerhoof did a double album that somehow became the best one of their career." 9/10

Derek and the Dominoes - Layla (and Other Assorted Love Songs
Captures that magical moment in history when Eric Clapton hadn't started sucking and actually still wanted Patti Boyd, when Duane Allman hadn't been killed in that motorcycle accident, and when Jim Gordon hadn't freaked out and beat his mother to death with a hammer. 8/10

Devo - Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!
In which Devo showed us that not only were they men, they were a really awesome post-punk act before they started to get increasingly new wave on us. 9/10

Devo - Duty Now for the Future
As far as career moves go, covering "Secret Agent Man" wasn't quite as clever or fascinating as covering "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" was, but at least it wasn't nearly as embarassing as that time they covered "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini." 8/10

Devo - Freedom of Choice
Contains one of the most hilariously misinterpreted hit songs in pop music history, though at least nobody plays that fucker at weddings. 8/10

Dinosaur Jr. - You're Living All Over Me
And J. Mascis came down from the heavens and said "Heyy man, let's just play some really druggy, fuzzed out sludge 'cause that'd be totally awesome" and it was. 8/10

DJ Shadow - Endtroducing...
He's not really my favorite DJ savior, but creating an entire genre with a single album is a pretty fascinating achievement I suppose. 8/10

Dr. Octagon - Dr. Octagonecologyst
Kool Keith bitched that all this album did was cause more white people to listen to his music, but what can you really expect when you release an album that's a weird-ass, fractured sci-fi story about a Jovian who comes to earth to probe its fine women? 9/10

Nick Drake - Five Leaves Left
While with this album he unfortunately started the same tradition of wimpy folky junk that would spawn such demons from hell as Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson, at least Nick had the good sense to fuck off and die before his music started to get really old. 8/10
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May. 21st, 2007 @ 11:46 pm One sentence reviews of albums I own, in alphabetical order, part five
The Breeders - Pod
Hey, remember when Kim Deal and some other people released an album that was nearly better than what the Pixies themselves were actually releasing at the time? 8/10

The Breeders - Last Splash
In which, with merely one album, Kim Deal completely trumps the entierity of Frank Black's recorded solo output and, hell, Trompe le Monde too. 9/10

The Breeders - Title TK
"Awww fuck, I just realized we haven't released an album in almost a decade, so get my sister on the line and a carton of cigarettes so we can throw something together quicklike." 7/10

James Brown - Live at the Apollo (1962)
He hadn't released "I Feel Good" yet but somehow that fact doesn't really seem to matter. 10/10

Steve Burns - Songs for Dustmites
You loved him on Blue's Clues, you loved it when he was rumored that he died simultaneously from an airplane crash, an overdose, and AIDS, so you'll probably ignore the fuck out of this surprisingly decent album! 7/10

Butthole Surfers - Locust Abortion Technician
Kid, you REALLY don't want to ask Gibby Haynes what regret means if you want a straight answer. 8/10

The Byrds - Sweetheart of the Rodeo
In which our adventurous band of hippies decide to go country-rock for some reason, with the added bonus of getting Gram Parsons some extra recognition. 8/10

Brian Eno and David Byrne - My Life in the Bush of Ghosts
I can never figure out whether to file this under Byrne or Eno, to be quite honest, and similarly I can never quite figure out whether I really like this album or if it quite frankly bores me, but it does have a few cool parts I suppose. 8/10

Laura Cantrell - The Hello Recordings
Consists of 5 songs' worth of great rootsy country music by a good singer, which obviously means that Nashville had nothing at all to do with it nor would they want to. 8/10

The Cars - The Cars
Contains the best blatant rip of a Beatles riff ever, along with that funny looking guy with those big sunglasses. 9/10

Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
Johnny Cash may be a bit overexposed these days, but god damn it, he's motherfucking Johnny Cash, and he won't ever let you forget it. 10/10

Johnny Cash - At San Quentin
I still can't get over the fact that not only did they put the song "San Quentin" on this album twice, THEY PUT THEM ONE AFTER THE OTHER. 7/10

Cheap Trick - Cheap Trick (1977)
Before they went to Japan and before they had a mushy and horrible goddamned power ballad comeback in the late 80s, these guys had one wickedly dark sense of humor, along with releasing a ballad that still kicks the afformentioned one's ass in every possible way. 8/10

Cheap Trick - In Color
Half of it's great, awesome tunes and half of it's ugly, boring and trite, kind of like how half of Cheap Trick were attractive and half were goofy-looking. 6/10

Cheap Trick - Heaven Tonight
Contains the best ode to suicide since the M*A*S*H theme song. 9/10

Cheap Trick - At Budokan
Laugh at Japan all you want, but this album proves that those motherfuckers had some impeccable taste, if only very briefly in the late 70s. 10/10

The Clash - The Clash (US Version)
Less consistent than the UK version, but it has that nifty cover of "I Fought the Law." 7/10

The Clash - London Calling
The sort of people who claim that this isn't REALLY a punk album are probably the same sort of people who would claim that the Sex Pistols are the greatest band in the universe, so fuck them. 10/10

The Clash - Combat Rock
Sharif don't like it, and I don't much care for it myself. 6/10

Common - Be
In which there's a rap album by a black person in my collection oh my god!!! 8/10

Elvis Costello - My Aim Is True
I don't really know whether this is the MOST PERFECT DEBUT ALBUM EVER, but I do know it's really fucking good. 10/10

Elvis Costello - This Year's Model
This year's model is a bit less exciting than last year's, but it's got some nice, refined curves that really give it a distinctive look all the same. 9/10

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Green River
I love you guys and all, but seriously your cover of "The Night Time Is the Right Time" is fucking terrible and I have no idea why you guys thought it was a good idea to put it anywhere near this release. 8/10

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Cosmo's Factory
Probably the only Creedence album that has anything that could be mistaken for variety on it, and also has "Ramble Tamble" which is quite possibly my favorite Creedence song ever. 10/10
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May. 21st, 2007 @ 12:10 am One sentence reviews of albums I own, in alphabetical order, part four
Björk - Post
Answers the age-old question of what an old pop standard would sound like as covered by a screeching Icelandic crazy woman. 8/10

Björk - Homogenic
Wins the Sgt. Pepper award for "album that's most depressingly overrated in Björk's back catalogue." 7/10

Björk - Medúlla
Features the best vocal work from Mike Patton since that hilarious video where he bashes Wolfmother. 9/10

Frank Black - Frank Black
Hey, remember when this guy used to be in the Pixies? 7/10

Frank Black - Teenager of the Year
Frank Black shows us that it's OK to be proud of winning the $10 Monopoly beauty contest every once in a while. 8/10

Frank Black - Frank Black Francis
Could've been bundled with a disc of Frank Black straining to take a shit for 70 minutes and Pixies fans still would've bought it for those SWEET SWEET DEMOS! 6/10

Black Flag - Damaged
Features TV Party and a whole bunch of other songs you probably don't give a shit about. 9/10

Black Sabbath - Paranoid
Fuck "Stairway," aspiring guitarists learning how to play "Iron Man" are the real pains in the ass (though neither are as bad as the ones learning how to play "Smoke on the Water"). 8/10

Blur - Parklife
Imagining if this album/band had become big in America instead of Oasis is fun but ultimately futile since that would imply that people in general have good taste, but at least I wouldn't have to ever hear the song "Champagne Supernova" again. 9/10

Blur - Think Tank
In which Graham Coxon leaves the band and the other guys record the album without him and it turns out to be not as bad as Cut the Crap but not as good as Back in Black. 7/10

Boredoms - Onanie Bomb Meets the Sex Pistols
As Yamatsuka Eye would undoubtedly say, "AUGAHGLGLGUAGLHGLAGUALGAHGL!!!!!!!!" 7/10

Boredoms - Pop Tatari
Imagining if this album/band had become big in America instead of the is quite literally impossible and also insane, but it makes me laugh, a lot. 8/10

Boredoms - Chocolate Synthesizer
When you run out of ways to make noise rock interesting, there's no better way to go out than with a bang and a shout out to the "ACID!!!! PO-LEE-SAY!!!!" 9/10

Boredoms - Super æ
Space rock has never sounded this spaced out or sun-worshippy or KICK ASS. 10/10

David Bowie - The Man who Sold the World
Pfft like can you believe this old guy, he's totally trying to cover some Nirvana song to look cool, geez. 7/10

David Bowie - Hunky Dory
Oh you pretty thing, don't you know you're driving your mama and papa insane? 9/10

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust
Not the pinnacle of glam rock, not the best album in David Bowie's catalogue, yet not bad. 8/10

David Bowie - Aladdin Sane
Hey man, I'm feelin' totally flim-flammed that this isn't Ziggy Stardust Part Two!!! 8/10

David Bowie - Low
The critics adore it, hipsters suddenly adore it, everybody suddenly thinks this is his greatest album ever, and yet I still haven't been able to quite get into it, much to my chagrin and loss of hipster brownie points. 8/10
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Apr. 28th, 2007 @ 09:58 pm One-sentence reviews of albums I own, in alphabetical order, part three: mostly Beatles edition
The Beatles - Please Please Me
Please welcome Britain's greatest boy band! 6/10

The Beatles - with The Beatles
We know you loved them the first time, so here they are again, almost exactly the same as before! 6/10

The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night
The album named after the movie named after a quote inspired by all of the sex the Beatles were presumably having at that point. 7/10

The Beatles - Beatles for Sale
John is very, very depressed and wants you to know for the next three songs and one extra. 7/10

The Beatles - Help!
Somebody save us from being rich and famous and half-assing an album! 4/10

The Beatles - Rubber Soul
Features pretty folk-inspired melodies and blatant misogyny in equal amounts. 8/10

The Beatles - Revolver
The great leap forward into hippiedom now complete, the Beatles contemplate a whole shitload of drugs to keep them company. 9/10

The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

The Beatles - Magical Mystery Tour
The Beatles contemplate even more drugs and inadvertantly create furries in the process. 7/10

The Beatles - The White Album
It was the best of the Beatles, it was the worst of the Beatles, it was creativity defined, it was laziness embodied, it was an overused Charles Dickens reference, it was better than Sgt. Pepper by a longshot. 10/10

The Beatles - Abbey Road
Oh Darling, it was Mean Mr. Mustard that killed Polythene Pam, in the Octopus's Garden, with Maxwell's Silver Hammer after She Came in through the Bathroom Window. 7/10

The Beatles - Let It Be
It's the Beatles at their most bitchy and Spectorized! 8/10

The Beatles - Past Masters Vol. 1
Proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the most important Beatles song ever was Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand. 5/10

The Beatles - Past Masters Vol. 2
Proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the second most important Beatles song ever was You Know My Name (Look Up the Number) 8/10

Beck - Mellow Gold
Gave slackers the world over hope for a few seconds before they stopped caring. 8/10

Beck - Stereopathetic Soulmanure
It's so lo-fi, it makes static sound clear. 7/10

Beck - Odelay
The greatest album by a Scientologist since Easy Hypnotizin' with L. Ron. 9/10

Beck - Mutations
The album that started the time-honored tradition of saying "this is nice but not as nice as Odelay!!!" 8/10

Big Black - The Rich Man's Eight Track Tape
In which Steve Albini actually falls for the satanic ritual child abuse thing and has his mistake forever immortalized in song form. 8/10

Big Black - Songs About Fucking
Wrote a song about Casimir Pulaski day before Sufjan Stevens did, and in a way cooler way at that. 9/10
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Apr. 22nd, 2007 @ 01:07 pm One-sentence reviews of albums I have, in alphabetical order, part two: mostly Beach Boys edition
The Beach Boys - Today!
In which Brian Wilson figures out that he can replace everybody else with session musicians and still turn out a damned good album. 9/10

The Beach Boys - Summer Days (and Summer Nights!!)
Inferior song selection, weaker arrangements, and Mike Love on the album cover shirtless; three things that do not add up to make a good follow-up release. 6/10

The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Inspired a whole bunch of hippies in the indie scene, ensured itself a perpetual place in the #2 slot of greatest album ever lists, and isn't half-bad either. 10/10

The Beach Boys - Smiley Smile
Probably the only album to accurately depict what music as created by drug-addled loonies sounds like. 7/10

The Beach Boys - Wild Honey
When "getting back to your roots" means "creating a whole lot of really generic rock songs and white-boy soul music." 5/10

The Beach Boys - Friends
The best album to ever feature directions to Brian Wilson's house in its lyrics. 8/10

The Beach Boys - 20/20
The best album to ever feature a rewritten Charles Manson song. 7/10

The Beach Boys - Sunflower
a.k.a. "Hey, I can write good songs too, damn it! Why don't you assholes ever let me, Dennis, do more songs?" 9/10

The Beach Boys - Surf's Up
Features some of the greatest songs Brian Wilson ever wrote, some of the worst songs Mike Love ever wrote, and no actual songs involving surfing. 9/10

The Beach Boys - Carl and the Passions: So Tough
When even packaging your album with Pet Sounds doesn't boost sales, you're doing something wrong. 7/10

The Beach Boys - Holland
Let's all go to Amsterdam and dick around and blow a whole lot of money and maybe record an album at some point. 8/10

The Beach Boys - 15 Big Ones
The only sort of "big one" that describes this album is a festering pile of shit. 2/10

The Beach Boys - Love You
The best album to ever feature songs written about Johnny Carson and travelling to Mars to find a wife. 8/10

The Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
Not since 2 Live Jews has there been a better rap album representing the Jewish community. 9/10

The Beastie Boys - Check Your Head
After trying to make you forget that they used to be in a shitty hardcore band, all of a sudden the Beasties want to let you know that they actually know how to play instruments, kind of. 8/10

The Beastie Boys - Hello Nasty
Not since Paul's Boutique has there been an album in which the Beastie Boys try to sound an awful lot like they did on Paul's Boutique. 7/10
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Apr. 21st, 2007 @ 07:46 pm Out of boredom: one-sentence reviews of CDs I own, in alphabetical order, part one
AC/DC - Highway to Hell
Possibly the greatest achievement by a chronic alcoholic since the invention of those fun beer hats. 9/10

AC/DC - Back in Black
Unfortunately did not start a trend of people scratching their throats up with Brillo pads in an attempt to emulate the vocals on this album, Tom Waits excluded. 10/10

The Advantage - The Advantage
If you've ever felt like paying money for the privilege of hearing a bunch of guys play the theme to Bubble Bobble on electric guitar, well by god here's your chance. 7/10

The Advantage - Elf-Titled
If you've ever felt like paying money to hear the same group of guys as last time play such haunting and memorable songs as "some nondescript songs from Air Fortress" or "some track from whatever the hell Guardian Legend is" well here's your chance! 8/10

Aerosmith - Toys in the Attic
One good album in a career of about 80 billion isn't such bad odds, and almost makes you forgive them for the horrible power-ballads they've started releasing within the past couple decades, except not really. 8/10

Air - Premiers Symptomes
Surprisingly, an EP's worth of early material from a group that doesn't end up sucking too hard. 6/10

Air - Moon Safari
The most sexy fun you can get out of French music since Serge Gainsbourg died. 9/10

Air - 10,000 Hz Legend
In the future, there will be retro-styled keyboards and guest vocals by Beck. 7/10

Air - Talkie Walkie
Same great taste as Moon Safari with fewer calories. 8/10

The Allman Brothers Band - At Fillmore East
In case you've ever wondered what a version of "Whipping Post" that lasts for 23 minutes sounds like. 7/10

The Amps - Pacer
The best Breeders album that isn't actually a Breeders album since... actually I think this is the only one. 6/10

Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92
Makes you wish more cats would mangle their owners' source tapes for that extra touch of sonic quality it confers. 7/10

Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works Vol. 2
Makes it feel like you're really in Richard D. James' head, with all of the terror and bewilderment that implies. 9/10

Aphex Twin - Richard D. James Album
Makes it feel like Richard D. James really is leering at you while you're listening to electronic music, with all of the terror and creepiness that implies. 9/10

Aphex Twin - 26 Mixes for Cash
Cold, capitalistic intent was never this enjoyable! 8/10

The Apples in Stereo - Her Wallpaper Reverie
Half makes you pine for the music of the 60s, the other half makes you realize you'd probably need to be really, really high to appreciate half of the shit inspired by the 60s. 5/10

The Arcade Fire - Funeral
The best moment in Canadian rock history since Geddy Lee officially admitted that he was a castrati. 9/10

The Avalanches - Since I Left You
It's like a party on a disc and the entierity of the 1970s is invited. 9/10

The B-52's - The B-52's
Includes the greatest cover of Petula Clark's "Downtown" since happy hour at the local karaoke bar. 8/10
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Jan. 25th, 2007 @ 01:14 pm My dream from last night
The main thrust of the dream that I can recall is that I was attempting to combat some sort of evil enclave of magic users or similar when I ended up pissing them off. To punish me, they decided to transform me into a dog which involved me having to step into some sort of bizarre dog suit they created specifically for this purpose. My parents and brother apparently knew about this event taking place and I was doomed to be stuck in a dog's body for a week, but they very promptly forgot about it and started treating me as if I were their pet dog as opposed to Tom, their son/brother trapped in a dog's body. As I kept attempting to tell them what was going on and that they had to help me or do something (I could talk normally but apparently they could only understand what I was saying as dog barks), I started to realize how a dog must feel about the communication barrier that exists between humans and animals and I started becoming more irritated/despairing about how my barks kept getting misinterpreted as my wanting attention or food.

Eventually the curse did wear off and the dream continued as normal from that point but I can't really recall what happened next.
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Sep. 15th, 2006 @ 08:03 pm BY REQUEST, TERRIBLE FANFICTION
TITLE: After the Date
AUTHOR: Amanda Marie Taylor
PLACE OF ORIGIN: reallybadfanfiction.net (dead)
IN BRIEF: The author goes out on a date with Dr. Viper and they love each other so much and get married and have kids :3
Read it here

While not really creepy like some of the other self-insertion fanfics I've read (such as SwatChris's brutally honest "A Saria Story" and Oscar's legendarily confusing "Artemis's Lover"), and it's not even erotic (this story is firmly in G-rated territory), this one deserves mention for how adorably naive it is. Amanda goes out on a date with a horrible villain who completely forgets about doing evil villainy things in order to be with her, and they have children in the most sudden and hilariously written manner imaginable. It's so cute, and yet so sad at the same time.
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Aug. 15th, 2006 @ 08:20 pm On the subject of the FF7 fandom...
It's just been pointed out to me, not long after I gave my spiel on the relative craziness of the Final Fantasy VII fandom, that this particular image is currently one of the most popular images on DeviantArt, #2 on the front page's Popular row.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most popular images on the entirity of DeviantArt is a subpar drawing of a fat Tifa in a bikini sitting in a lawnchair, eating a fudgesicle and drinking a shake.

I love FF7's fans.
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Aug. 14th, 2006 @ 09:09 pm (no subject)
The musical controversy posts are on more of an indefinite hiatus as I'm finding it harder to assemble some of my thoughts on them as coherently as I did in the first three installments. Short of just including small opinions in each of my posts as a closer, I think I'm going to be hard-pressed to come up with a more unifying theme to group my thoughts under.

I suppose while I'm thinking of things to write, I could scare you all with another piece of fiction. Yes, I think I'll do just that.

TITLE: Cloud Mows the Lawn (and other stories)
FANDOM: Final Fantasy VII
PLACE OF ORIGIN: adultfanfiction.net
FETISHES ON DISPLAY: Scat. Lots and lots of fresh, steaming scat.
IN BRIEF: Cloud and Tifa are now married and Cloud rather conveniently has a scat fetish now.
Read it here (mirrors: 1 2 3 4)

It's been something of a given for quite a while now that some of the most reliably insane erotic fic writers reside in the FF7 fandom. This honestly doesn't surprise me at all; given that the game was 1) immensely popular, 2) left quite a mark on all the impressionable teenagers who played that Final Fantasy game before any of the others, and 3) was "TOTALLY DARK AND ANGSTY AND HAD A PLOT BETTER THAN ANY BOOK EVER FOR REAL," it'd figure that quite a large group of people would decide to write fiction about it. From there, simple statistics shows that the more people who write within a fandom, the more crazy people are going to be writing within it.

This one is actually relatively tame by the standards of insane FF7 fanfiction, but in terms of most other fanfiction it's still pretty bad. The sheer amount of description that goes into talking about Tifa and her "gorgeous bowels" is kind of unsettling, and really this story and all of its other chapters are just excuses to put Tifa in situations involving her bowels/ass, and any attempts to actually have some sort of plot are laughable at best. The story series doesn't quite seem to be done yet, at least if the last story "In the Park" is any indication, but I really hope it doesn't continue. If there's one thing I don't need, it's lesbian scat.
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Aug. 13th, 2006 @ 12:57 pm Now a brief intermission
I didn't update last night due to listening to Kitten Radio. By the time that was over, all I wanted to do was sleep. At any rate, I can't think of any particular unifying direction that I want my next round of potentially controversial musical statements to go in anyway. Instead, I'll offer up something far more horrifying in its place; a little sample of the terrible erotic fanfiction I've been accruing over the past couple years.

I'm not sure exactly why terrible erotic fanfiction in particular fasciantes me. There's the obvious comedy factor of reading barely competant (sometimes barely coherent) writing. There's maybe the fact that most of the stories can barely be considered erotic. There's the fact that, in a lot of cases, it offers up the realization that quite a lot of people who use the internet have fetishes and obsessions that are just plain horrifying. It could be how quite a lot of erotic fanfiction is written naively, by people who have obviously never had direct sexual experience.

Whatever the case, I've been slowly collecting particularly bad examples of erotic fanfiction from across the internet. My collection is honestly pretty small right now, but I figure I'll be able to get some potential use out of it.

I'll start out with a particularly long, particularly nasty piece of work simply called Violet and Charlie.

TITLE: Violet and Charlie
AUTHOR: little ego
FANDOM: Charlie/Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
PLACE OF ORIGIN: reallybadfanfiction.com (now defunct)
FETISHES ON DISPLAY: Sadism, torture, pain, bleeding, all the greats
IN BRIEF: Think American McGee's Wonka, only far worse
Read it here

I'll admit that this is kind of an odd story to start out with, in the sense that the author clearly has some faint glimmer of talent hiding in their writing. Any sort of writing talent they have, though, is immediately negated by just how amazingly vile this story is. The author went to extremely great lengths to make everything about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as dark and twisted as they could. Violet's insane and a cutter. Charlie's mental health is pretty shaky itself. Wonka (though dead) is usually referred to as He and Him, committed suicide (or was murdered, I can't exactly tell) violently, and was a filthy old pedophile. You get to see a bunch of Oompa-Loompas cannibalize another Oompa, at least when said Oompas aren't just giving Charlie blowjobs. Honestly, if you can actually make it through this story in one sitting, you either have a higher tolerance for this than I do, or you're completely numb. Just like Violet in this story in fact.
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Feb. 13th, 2006 @ 02:25 pm (no subject)
Yep, it's a retarded meme, but I figured that I'm bored enough to do this one:

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play.
Step 2: Write down the first line from the first 20 songs that play or close to it.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs (or similar) when someone guesses correctly.

I don't normally keep formal playlists so this will be more along the lines of me picking 20 songs at random from my collection. Also for some of these I gave a little bit more than the first line, but oh well.

1. Oh, great intentions!
2. Out of my mind on Saturday night The Stooges - 1970 (as guessed by noomdespilce
3. Sycamore trees blowing green in the distance
4. I've been in this town so long that back in the city I've been taken for lost and gone and unknown for a long, long time
5. Now that your picture's in the paper being rhythmically admired Elvis Costello - Welcome to the Working Week (as guessed by noomdespilce
6. Cities breaking down on a camel's back Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz (as guessed by schroe)
7. I got so much trouble on my mind
8. Here on these cliffs of Dover
9. I've been in and out of every honky-tonk in town, and I'm almost drunk from all the drinks that I've turned down
10. Four score, seven years to go
11. On our trip to England, I noticed something obscene
12. I don't want to be shy
13. [song title], all floating in glass
14. You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need
15. Have you seen her face? She's got a face that could stop a clock
16. Take a look at these hands (repeated)
17. Get off of my ass you wee bitty fuck
18. Sane, sane, they're all insane
19. Cucaroo carucha, Chevy '39
20. Make a hole with a gun perpendicular Ana Ng - They Might Be Giants (as guessed by schroe)
21. I asked you a question, but I needed no reply (more than 20, but I just thought of this line and wanted to use it)

Also since it's been a long time, here are the rest of the answers (along with the old answers)

1. Sufjan Stevens - Come On! Feel the Illinoise!
2. The Stooges - 1970
3. Super Furry Animals - Ohio Heat
4. The Beach Boys - Heroes and Villains (would have also accepted Brian Wilson)
5. Elvis Costello - Welcome to the Working Week
6. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
7. Public Enemy - Welcome to the Terrordome
8. The Decemberists - We Both Go Down Together
9. Loretta Lynn - Mrs. Leroy Brown
10. Menomena - The Late Great Libido
11. Of Montreal - My British Tour Diry
12. Air - Cherry Blossom Girl
13. Neutral Milk Hotel - Two-Headed Boy
14. Pink Floyd - Dogs
15. Cheap Trick - He's a Whore
16. Talking Heads - Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On)
17. Ween - The Blarney Stone
18. Tom Waits - Clap Hands
19. Frank Zappa/The Mothers of Invention - Dog Breath in the Year of the Plague
20. They Might Be Giants - Ana Ng
21. The Flaming Lips - Waiting for a Superman
About this Entry
May. 20th, 2005 @ 12:52 am 5 Card Nancy
All of these comics were generated using the quite fun 5 Card Nancy Generator by people with too much time on their hands in chat (mostly Jeff, Spacecow, Yumblie, and me, but I'm giving credit where it's due).

Nancy draws from experience and angers the gods (Spacecow)
Nancy's life of crime catches up to her (Jeff)
Nancy creates a vacuum (Jeff)
Sluggo takes care of a little problem... (me)
The Adventures of Nancy and Kitty (Jeff)
Nancy gets excited, calms down, becomes irritated (Spacecow)
Nancy is bored (Jeff)
Nancy learns the fine art of blowing (Spacecow)
Punishment by killer robot (me, as edited by Jeff)
Nancy is obsessed with dogs (Spacecow)
Nancy and Sluggo feel the effects of food poisoning (Spacecow)
Nancy gets mugged and high (Jeff)
Nancy wastes time (Spacecow)
The rigged telephone (Jeff)
Nancy turns into a ghost (Spacecow)
Nancy has horrible thoughts about animals (Jeff)
Nancy sabotages the house, gets attacked by...? (me)
Nancy and Sluggo wreak havoc (me)
More boredom (bhlaab)
The funniest thing Nancy ever saw (me)
Nancy's elaborate death trap (me)
Nancy the popcorn glutton (me)
Nancy ditches Oscar for TV (me)
The Epic of Nancy (Jeff)
The dangers of premarital sex (me)
Boredom + Heat = INSANITY (me)
Nancy turns into a dog (me)
Nancy liberates herself from the deadbeat cartoonist (me)
Sluggo walks in on something disturbing (me)
Nancy's daily routine (me)
The Further Adventures of Nancy and Kitty (Jeff)
Sluggo and Nancy celebrate their victory (me)
Nancy fantasizes about fighting a robot (Jeff)
Nancy tells the story of Sluggo's demise (me)
Nancy and Sluggo's hot date (Jeff)
Nancy cheats on her essay (me)
Nancy hallucinates from lack of food (Spacecow)
More sabotage, Nancy forgets something (me)
Nancy is bipolar, Sluggo is depressed (me)
Nancy's crazy day (Spacecow)
Violence solves everything (Spacecow)
Nancy finally gets rid of Kitty (Jeff)
Nancy gets really paranoid (me)
The wonderful world of gorillas (Jeff)
The mysterious UFO (SergeantJamJars, as edited by me)
Nancy gets some hired muscle (me)
Not dull anymore (SergeantJamJars)
Nancy's dream animal (SergeantJamJars)
Nancy gets a spanking, ponders names (Spacecow)
Nancy tortures Kitty even further (Jeff)
Nancy is lazy (SergeantJamJars)
Nancy craves a midnight snack (Spacecow)
Nancy slips on the ice (Jeff)
Nancy sticks it to the man (Spacecow)
DON'T LOOK BACK (SergeantJamJars)
A midnight adventure (Yumblie)
Aunt Fritzi is a bit too strict (SergeantJamJars)
Nancy's crime spree (Yumblie)
Nancy's life of crime comes to an end (Jeff)
Midnight courtesy call from a friendly centipede (Spacecow)
Nancy gets distracted by hippos before investgating (Yumblie)
Nancy gets excited about boredom (SergeantJamJars)
Nancy's wish is ruined (me)
The best day ever (Spacecow)
Nancy's anger gets way out of control (Yumblie)
The cartoonist has really lousy memory (Jeff)
Nancy unravels another mystery (Spacecow)
PARTY TIME (Yumblie)
Nancy flees the country (me)
Nancy's too tired (Spacecow)
The UFO of Stench (me)
Sluggo would make a fine centipede (me)
Nancy's creativity is stifled (me)
Nancy and Sluggo do some intimidation work for the mob (me)
Nancy completely forgets about helping Sluggo (me)
The death of Sluggo (Vorpy)
Nancy tortures Sluggo on camera (me)
Nancy is way too fast for Sluggo (me)
Nancy gets confused (me)
The sun torments Sluggo (me)
Sluggo scares Nancy too much (Spacecow)
Nancy has a wild time alone (Yumblie)
Nancy and Sluggo take really really long walks (me) (bittersweet alternate ending)
Nancy Film Noir (Jeff)
The Peace Treaty falls through (me)
Petty vandalism (Vorpy)
Bedding down goes horribly wrong (Spacecow)
Uncle Jim's revenge (Yumblie)
Very strict housekeeping (Jeff)
Nancy tries to share her joy (Yumblie)
Nancy always tries to run away (me)
The second-funniest thing Nancy ever saw (me)
Fritzi has Nancy taken care of (Yumblie)
Nancy's shocking realization (me)
Nancy needs all the luck she can get (Yumblie)
Sluggo's shocking work ethic (KaruraDiamatis)
Nancy saves Santa (me)
Nancy is cruel (me)
Ancient perfume (KaruraDiamatis)
Nancy's peep show (me)
Never, ever steal Nancy's clippers (me)
Girls sure do take a long time to get ready (Jeff)
Fate is a 5 year old girl (me)
Nancy gets stuck doing menial labor (me)
Fritzi's as harsh as ever (Jeff)
Nancy ate too much (Jeff)
Married life ain't all it's cracked up to be (KaruraDiamatis)
Sluggo is a dope (me)
Never mention being hungry around Fritzi (me)
Don't jump with a sharpened pencil in your hand (me)
No comment (me)
I think it's a bit late for that! (me)
Nancy's perfect setup backfires (Jeff)
That's not a word! (Jeff)
Please enter credit card number to see rest of comic (me)
Can't go outside with a dirty book (Jeff)
Stay hidden, cat! (mancalamania)
Nancy's day is haunted by strange visions (Jeff)
A vast skunk conspiracy (Jeff)
Nancy cleans the rugs after all (Jeff)
Cheap gag (me)
Nancy discriminates (Jeff)
Nancy loses everything in the silver mine collapse (MewMewtwo45)
The bourgeois must BURN (me)
Nancy and Sluggo forget something crucial (Jeff)
Whoa there, calm down! (Jeff)
The estrangement of Nancy and Sluggo (me)
Nancy's boring day (Jeff)
Nancy and Fritzi's date (Jeff)
Sluggo ruins EVERYTHING (Jeff)
The Plan (me)
Nancy's jaunt through the countryside (Jeff)
Nancy parties her pets... TO DEATH (Spacecow)
The secret of the mysterious mousehole (me)
Nancy's moustache-drawing craze goes too far (me)
Nancy the terrorist (MewMewtwo45)
Nancy teaches Tom not to be late for dates! (MewMewtwo45)
Sluggo's an idiot (me)
Nancy tries to bypass robot security (me)
Nancy is delusional (me)
Cheap gag, part two (SuperKoopa)
Nancy's long walk (SergeantJamJars)
I don't think that's a very scientific term! (me)
Glass Man saves the day! (Jeff)
What is Nancy planning...? (me)
So long, cat (me)
Nancy meets Karma (Jeff)
The Twist (Jeff)
Nancy's brilliant plan doesn't pan out (me)
Nancy gets lynched (me)
The note that RIPS A HOLE IN SPACE/TIME (Jeff)
What did Nancy do to kitty...? (me)
Nancy's collection of animal artifacts (me)
Nancy makes the sun mad (me)
Fritzi turns into a tree (Jeff)
Nancy's plan fails (me)
Nancy doesn't know what she's missing (Jeff)
Nancy is tired of Sluggo (Jeff)
Nancy cleans her room by destroying the house (Jeff)
Don't trifle with pink orbs (EclipsedMoon)
Nancy and Sluggo can't escape! (Jeff)
Here comes Nancy! (Jeff)
The gorilla problem finally ends (me)
Fate is not kind to Nancy's sanity (Jeff)
Nancy sees her chance to swipe Sluggo's... boobledink? (Yumblie)
Nancy sees a duck (Jeff)
What a great plane! (Jeff)
Nancy gets ready to show Oscar the KNUKS (Yumblie)
Nancy is ordered to destroy on sight (Jeff)
OH NO!!! (Jeff)
Nancy is alert (Jeff)
Woofy gets it (Jeff)
What is Nancy up to? (Jeff)
How thrilling (Jeff)
Oh Sluggo! (Jeff)
Nancy's Adventure (Jeff)

More might come later, if we make any more worth mentioning
About this Entry
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